Aerosolpoetic

I try to laugh my way through the loneliness, distract myself with old episodes of grays anatomy and blockbuster rentals past due. I’ll flip through friends facebook halloween albums, live vicariously for a moment in the muted hysteria of a house party captured in a photograph. But when the pictures run out and rerun jokes are no longer funny I find myself sitting amidst the uneasy silence of my room feeling like I should be doing something. Possibly picking up the phone I find I have nothing to say, plotting out paragraphs for a personal statement I find I have nothing to write, studying for standardized test I find I don’t have the right answers.

Nights like this, I question what it is I have to offer this world, what I have to offer any one person. After falling for women with boyfriends, falling for women who decide they no longer want me as their boyfriend, rather be in another man’s arms, another man’s bed, I question what I have to offer. After failed LSATs and writers block I question law school and grad school goals. After my 20th job application with no call back, no email back, no sign of life on the other end of the digital phone of digital computer super highway I question what if anything do I have to offer, and would it be, will it ever be good enough for anyone, for me.

Nights like this. I have no answers to any questions I just stare back into the steaming mouth of a mug filled with green tea and honey, hover over the mixture letting the steam lick my tired half-open eyes and blink back tears.