Aerosolpoetic

I feel like my quest to customize this blog has been taking me in a circle for the past couple of days, so its time to step away for a bit before I lose what is left of my mind. Maybe i’ll take that energy away from the design aspect and focus on my writing or studying for the LSAT.

I cant say I’m all that excited about the second possibility, however. I’ve discovered that its not just the absurd redundancy and uselessness of the test that is preventing me from picking up one of the many study guides decorating the floor in my room, but rather the fact that I’m not all that enthusiastic about going to law school any more is the real root of my determination to not study for the test.

I don’t foresee myself enjoying law school right now having just gotten out of undergrad a year early. I want to do things I enjoy, cant put down to pick up something to eat or rest having been up for already 24 hours straight, things I’m passionate about.

I use to have that passion for law school. I guess I’ve lost my drive, my vision. I use to be an idealist, but I’ve been broadsided by the tests, the personal statement, write what they want to hear ambiguous prompt, intimidation, the gpa requirements, and the feeling that no law school in any country would ever want me.

I wish I could separate all that from my simple desire to help those silenced, overlooked or otherwise thrown away by this American system or any other system seeking to snuff out the humanity of any one human being. But, lately I haven’t been able to make that separation so I’ve taken the easy way out, chosen art, something easy, with no acceptable gpa requirement, or review board critiquing every misspelled word i wrote on a final exam my sophomore year at that school that lets in less black folks every year. Yes, I have chosen something so much easier than a nameless, faceless assessment of how fit i am to be in law school, and for what, the nameless, faceless internet, as June would call it, “a connection between nobody and no one.”

I guess it is easier to face this humming screen than to face myself, my own self doubt, but one day I will devour that self doubt, just as I have let it consume me. One day, but until then, I will continue to bridge this connection between myself and who ever is on the other side of this screen.

I’ve always had an appreciation for the arts and still consider myself an artist even though school has prevented me from exploring the arts more seriously. Now that I have a year off from school I’m able to invest more time into practicing art and learning new forms of art like web and graphic design.

I can’t remember when my fascination with web development manifested exactly, but i recall it coming about some time in high school. unfortunately I was never able to really dive into it then, but now that I have, it has become an obsession like most things in my life I’m pent on figuring out. I’ve always been like that, mildly if not overly obsessive when it comes to problems or concepts i don’t immediately grasp. I’ll rack my brain for hours until i figure something out, this has proven no different with web design. It all started with my myspace, which I’m still not happy with, and now this blog which has proven more difficult to wrap my head around than i ever imagined. I understand pieces of the wordpress framework but I dont get how they all work together; I cant even visualize the connection.

I spent all of today staring at my powerbook screen and now at 11:44PM I know no more than I did this morning at 10:00AM. Where to go from here, I don’t know but I do know I need to rest my eyes and step away for while because I’m going blind and brain dead trying to figure this out so rapidly. I must learn patience sooner or later. Maybe today is the day to start baby stepping through life in general.